Over the summer I had very cautiously accepted the calling from my Stake President to assemble a youth choir and have them perform a fireside. I had done this task before, I was just very anxious about doing it after such a rocky year. And even though I had accepted this calling, I still didn't feel comfortable accepting invitations to sing at church or community events. You see, I had received incredibly hurtful comments from a handful of people concerning my talents and my efforts to help others recognize their talents. Negativity tends to build when left unchecked and soon those comments turned into opinions on what a horrible/awful person I am. Even though it was only a few people sharing these opinions, I became so depressed and hurt that I soon believed that everyone had those opinions. I had no desire to leave my house and face people when I was convinced they all thought I was a monster. I couldn't bare the thought of singing or working with others to develop their talents when I believed no one wanted me to do so. I found great difficulty in going to church because I told myself that if I wasn't able to be loved by others then surely the Savior had no love for me either. I had begun to tell myself that the comments from others were true and I deserved to be miserable and unloved for the rest of my life. I honestly stopped feeling love and had given up on life. It was devastating. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't get the negative comments to stop being played over and over in my head. It was a pain that I could see no end to.
Through working to help the stake youth choir prepare for the fireside I slowly began to open my heart again. The spirit was working on me so strongly that I started to feel the Savior's love for me and found joy in music again. Looking back, I am so grateful for the power of this experience and how it helped me to pull myself up. I'm even more grateful for a stake president who felt inspired to ask me to take on the task. When the fireside was over I felt so much peace in my life and the weeks that followed were some of the closest I have ever felt to the Savior. During this time I contemplated the things which I needed to do to begin the healing process and I prayed that I could feel love from those around me and learn how to love others again. It was around this time that I received a message from Michelle.
Michelle and I had met the previous year at a voice workshop and had quickly become friends. She is incredibly talented and is also one of the most kind hearted women I know. In her message she explained that she had felt very strongly that she should write music to go with the book "Daughters in my Kingdom", a book written for the women's organization in my religion. She also expressed how she would very much like to have me join the choir when they recorded it for the cd. I don't know why, but I suddenly felt that I needed to sing again and I believed that this would hopefully be a safe place for me to start. I accepted her invitation, learned the music and prayed that I would be able to add to the choir in a positive way.
The practices were set up so that we would practice on a Saturday, the following Thursday and then record. During the week leading up to the first practice I had accepted an invitation from the stake president to sing at the November stake conference, but as I was practicing I was overwhelmed with anxiety as the thoughts of performing for the very people I was convinced still hated me were too much to bare. I had nightmares that I would sing and everyone would stand and insist that I had no right to be singing in a religious setting because I was a horrible monster. Negative thoughts crept in and once again took over as I dreaded the comments and rumors that would inevitably start once I had finished my song. I was convinced that the pain from the previous year, that I was working so hard on overcoming, would start all over again with one song. In a state of panic and quite a large amount of tears, I called the stake president and canceled. However, I still felt that I needed to go to that first practice.
As I walked into the beautiful reception hall where the practice was to be held, I was apprehensive. I was still shaken up by the anxiety felt from the days before and I hadn't done choral singing in such a long time that I was worried that I would ruin the sound that Michelle wanted. My only comfort was that everyone else in the choir was from Michelle's stake and had no idea who I was. Why was this comforting? Because it meant that I could become invisible and avoid any contact with anyone. Which meant no one would discover that I was an awful person who probably had no place being in that choir. Which meant I wouldn't have to endure any hurtful comments. Now, I know all of this sounds really negative but I need you to understand my mindset at the time to fully understand the impact that this experience had on me. Keep reading, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I promise.
I was greeted by Michelle and guided to my seat as we waited for the rest of the choir members to get there. It was to be a choir of women, since it was specifically written for the sister's in the church. I sat quietly and watched as they talked with each other. I noticed how happy they all were to see each other and to have been invited to join the choir. There were women there with their daughters who spoke excitedly about the opportunity to do this with the beautiful young women they had raised. Michelle humbly spoke of writing the song and everyone exclaimed how powerful it was. I too had felt the power as I had practiced it myself and silently agreed with their sentiment. As I watched these conversations unfold, which I'm sure seemed totally normal to them, I became aware of the love that that they were all sharing with each other. When we sang through the song the first time, tears of joy welled up in my eyes as I became very aware of the lyrics I was singing. We sang of bringing love and joy. We sang of lifting the nations as one. We sang of inviting others to follow the Savior and uniting together. As the words became magnified by the power of the music I couldn't help but look at these wonderful women, most of whom I had never met before, and feel something I hadn't felt in a long time. Love. I thought of the women in my life who had helped comfort me through the pain. I thought of my older sister who was working so hard to raise her three boys far away from her own mother and sisters. I thought of my sister-in-law who despite struggling with health problems and being blessed with six children, still found the time to help other women in her ward. I thought of my little sister and the choice she made to serve a mission. I began to remember experiences when the women of the church had shown great love and support to me throughout my life and I couldn't help but smile. I began to think of all the women I could be helping and serving and all of the young women I had already helped. I was so overcome with love for my Savior, love for the women and young women in my life, and love for myself.
As we finished the first rehearsal, I stuck around to talk with Michelle and another of her friends, Kirsten. I opened up to them about my apprehension to share my talents and everything I had been feeling about my life during those months of struggle. I don't know why I suddenly felt safe sharing with them, but I just let everything out. Through their kind words and strong testimonies I felt buoyed up. I walked out of that room feeling hopeful and wanting to share my talents again. I found myself being excited about belonging to the Relief Society and feeling grateful for the wonderful circle of sisters that surround me. I also began to recognize the power that we, as women, have and the incredible things we can do. I can't express how incredible those few hours were nor do I feel like I can fully explain why. All I know is that because my Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, love me and have a plan for me, they gave me these wonderful experiences and placed Michelle in my life to help answer my prayers.
Since finishing the recordings I have read the book 'Daughters in my Kingdom' and have felt so much love for the women who worked so hard to create the Relief Society. I am reflecting so much on that day as I sit here preparing to put together a choir of sisters from every ward in my stake to perform these same songs in a fireside for the Relief Society, Young Women, and the older primary girls. I am excited for them to hear the music that Michelle has composed and to listen to her wonderful testimony. I am even more excited that I will be a part of a choir of strong and faithful women and to feel their love. I truly believe that we are, in fact, Daughters in His Kingdom. And because of one of His daughters I began to feel love again.
Through working to help the stake youth choir prepare for the fireside I slowly began to open my heart again. The spirit was working on me so strongly that I started to feel the Savior's love for me and found joy in music again. Looking back, I am so grateful for the power of this experience and how it helped me to pull myself up. I'm even more grateful for a stake president who felt inspired to ask me to take on the task. When the fireside was over I felt so much peace in my life and the weeks that followed were some of the closest I have ever felt to the Savior. During this time I contemplated the things which I needed to do to begin the healing process and I prayed that I could feel love from those around me and learn how to love others again. It was around this time that I received a message from Michelle.
The practices were set up so that we would practice on a Saturday, the following Thursday and then record. During the week leading up to the first practice I had accepted an invitation from the stake president to sing at the November stake conference, but as I was practicing I was overwhelmed with anxiety as the thoughts of performing for the very people I was convinced still hated me were too much to bare. I had nightmares that I would sing and everyone would stand and insist that I had no right to be singing in a religious setting because I was a horrible monster. Negative thoughts crept in and once again took over as I dreaded the comments and rumors that would inevitably start once I had finished my song. I was convinced that the pain from the previous year, that I was working so hard on overcoming, would start all over again with one song. In a state of panic and quite a large amount of tears, I called the stake president and canceled. However, I still felt that I needed to go to that first practice.
As I walked into the beautiful reception hall where the practice was to be held, I was apprehensive. I was still shaken up by the anxiety felt from the days before and I hadn't done choral singing in such a long time that I was worried that I would ruin the sound that Michelle wanted. My only comfort was that everyone else in the choir was from Michelle's stake and had no idea who I was. Why was this comforting? Because it meant that I could become invisible and avoid any contact with anyone. Which meant no one would discover that I was an awful person who probably had no place being in that choir. Which meant I wouldn't have to endure any hurtful comments. Now, I know all of this sounds really negative but I need you to understand my mindset at the time to fully understand the impact that this experience had on me. Keep reading, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I promise.
I was greeted by Michelle and guided to my seat as we waited for the rest of the choir members to get there. It was to be a choir of women, since it was specifically written for the sister's in the church. I sat quietly and watched as they talked with each other. I noticed how happy they all were to see each other and to have been invited to join the choir. There were women there with their daughters who spoke excitedly about the opportunity to do this with the beautiful young women they had raised. Michelle humbly spoke of writing the song and everyone exclaimed how powerful it was. I too had felt the power as I had practiced it myself and silently agreed with their sentiment. As I watched these conversations unfold, which I'm sure seemed totally normal to them, I became aware of the love that that they were all sharing with each other. When we sang through the song the first time, tears of joy welled up in my eyes as I became very aware of the lyrics I was singing. We sang of bringing love and joy. We sang of lifting the nations as one. We sang of inviting others to follow the Savior and uniting together. As the words became magnified by the power of the music I couldn't help but look at these wonderful women, most of whom I had never met before, and feel something I hadn't felt in a long time. Love. I thought of the women in my life who had helped comfort me through the pain. I thought of my older sister who was working so hard to raise her three boys far away from her own mother and sisters. I thought of my sister-in-law who despite struggling with health problems and being blessed with six children, still found the time to help other women in her ward. I thought of my little sister and the choice she made to serve a mission. I began to remember experiences when the women of the church had shown great love and support to me throughout my life and I couldn't help but smile. I began to think of all the women I could be helping and serving and all of the young women I had already helped. I was so overcome with love for my Savior, love for the women and young women in my life, and love for myself.
As we finished the first rehearsal, I stuck around to talk with Michelle and another of her friends, Kirsten. I opened up to them about my apprehension to share my talents and everything I had been feeling about my life during those months of struggle. I don't know why I suddenly felt safe sharing with them, but I just let everything out. Through their kind words and strong testimonies I felt buoyed up. I walked out of that room feeling hopeful and wanting to share my talents again. I found myself being excited about belonging to the Relief Society and feeling grateful for the wonderful circle of sisters that surround me. I also began to recognize the power that we, as women, have and the incredible things we can do. I can't express how incredible those few hours were nor do I feel like I can fully explain why. All I know is that because my Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, love me and have a plan for me, they gave me these wonderful experiences and placed Michelle in my life to help answer my prayers.
Since finishing the recordings I have read the book 'Daughters in my Kingdom' and have felt so much love for the women who worked so hard to create the Relief Society. I am reflecting so much on that day as I sit here preparing to put together a choir of sisters from every ward in my stake to perform these same songs in a fireside for the Relief Society, Young Women, and the older primary girls. I am excited for them to hear the music that Michelle has composed and to listen to her wonderful testimony. I am even more excited that I will be a part of a choir of strong and faithful women and to feel their love. I truly believe that we are, in fact, Daughters in His Kingdom. And because of one of His daughters I began to feel love again.
