It was always kind of funny going to parent teacher conferences every year. Part of the conference included writing down career goals so that we could make a plan. Mr. G would pull out the paper and ask me to write down what career I would like to work toward. I would always look at my dad and my advisor and say, "I don't know." Really though, I knew exactly what my career goals were and there was no way I was going to have anyone tell me to rethink. So, I just kept saying, "I don't know" and my dad and Mr. G would make some jokes and we would finally put down some random profession that we could all laugh about. I distinctly remember putting down horticulture one year. I believe that suggestion came from Dad. Sometimes I wish I still had that paper just for laughs. There honestly was something different written down every year.
Senior year. The time for keeping my secret had come to an end. In order to start my journey I needed to get into college and into the program that would help me. I settled on a school and began the application process. I don't particularly remember caring so much which school had the best program I was looking for, I mostly wanted to start fresh. Somewhere I knew that wouldn't have a ton of people from my high school. Not because I disliked them, I just knew that it was time for me to become the person I always wanted to be and I needed room to do that free from the person I had been in high school. I chose Weber State University, a lovely school in Ogden Utah where I was certain that no one else would be going. I was accepted and even received a scholarship into the program I desired. The preparation for school was smooth sailing and I considered that a good sign for the plans I had spent many hours obsessing over since before I was in high school. I was on my way.
The first day of college. I am a worrier so there had been an excessive amount of anxiety the week before that fateful first day. I'm not one to ask a lot of questions and I get really embarrassed asking for help. Luckily I ended up with a roommate who was in the same major as myself and she was very kind to share her wisdom. Even going so far as to recommend teachers and show me where my first class was located. Thank heavens for the outgoing personalities in the world! Halfway through my morning schedule was my First Year Experience class. Everyone on campus was required to take this class. However, my department had it's own class because of the demands to complete the major. I remember sitting in that room feeling simultaneously excited to be where I was and terrified that I didn't belong. The department head taught this class and as he walked in I knew I needed to listen to every word he said. I knew what my dreams were and this class was hopefully going to give me an overview of how best to make it through the program. As he gave the usual syllabus lecture I paid very close attention, hoping not to miss something vital to my future. (I later fell into the habit of letting my mind wander during these lectures. Turns out they all sound the same after a while. No matter what the class.) He began talking about all that was expected of us during our time in the program, but more importantly he began giving us insight into what the future would hold for us in our desired field. He began by talking to those in our program who belonged to a different subset of our major. When he had finished with their overview he turned his attention to my program and I waited with much anticipation.
"How many of you are performance majors?"
I think back on the moment he asked this question often. This is the moment where things changed for me. This moment and the five minutes that followed set me on a path I did not intend to go down.
"How many of you are performance majors?"
I mustered all the courage I could find and timidly raised my hand. This was the first time that I had really acknowledged my dreams in such a public setting. As I looked around the room I saw that there were about 15-20 other students raising their hands. Most of them didn't look as terrified as I felt. It was perplexing. I guess I had hoped that they would all be as shy about their dreams as I had been. Nope. These people had more confidence than I think I had ever displayed in my entire life. Still, I kept that hand raised long enough to hear Dr. P's next comment.
"There should only be one person in here with their hand up, because that's about how many will actually make it."
I had never been so embarrassed to have my hand raised in my life. All the fears I had felt about sharing my dreams with others were just confirmed. I remember going home and writing in my journal that night.
"It kind of got me upset, but at the same time it kind of made me feel like, 'I'll show him!' I just have to break out of my shell and try really hard. No matter what, I won't give it up. AT ALL. I just have to keep going. I will not be influenced or discouraged by other people's opinions."
Ah, the words of eighteen year old me. I think I was really trying to fight off the doubt that had been planted. None of what I wrote in my journal was in my nature at the time. I think it's the kind of determination I'd wished I had and that maybe by putting it down on paper I would magically be that way. I desperately wanted it to be true, but I knew that something was different. I had already started rethinking my dreams. I could see all the happy things I had thought about every night leaving my thoughts as I replaced plans of training my voice, working on stage presence, and learning opera's with choral singing and conducting students. This was also an interest, but not what I had dreamed about for years. I talked myself into believing that even if I couldn't have my dream I could still go into music. I could be happy settling, right?
Every year since then has been a lot of settling and not accomplishing as much as I could have. Ten years of dreams slipping away and turning into a series of 'what if' statements. I kept trying school, but without that spark of determination and working toward something I was passionate about it never really worked out for me. Ten years of doubting myself and thinking I wasn't very talented. Telling myself I was never going to be good enough and that it was a silly dream anyway. Ten years. It wasn't until last year, when my life fell apart, that I started to make some startling realizations.
I started reviewing my life and going over how I had ended up back in my home town directing musicals, teaching voice lessons, conducting youth choirs, accompanying high school choirs, putting together singing groups for children, doing music workshops for Jr. High students, organizing fundraisers for the high school performing arts and even performing occasionally. Then I thought about that unfortunate year when I kept doing those things while having horrible comments said to me and about me. I asked myself why those comments had such a devastating affect on me. Everything led to one answer: I never gave up on my dream.
I couldn't believe what I had just realized! For ten years I had struggled with the fact that I gave up so easily on my dream, when in reality I was still working toward it. I just didn't know it at the time. I had continued to take voice lessons for three semesters. I had stayed in performing groups. Interestingly enough, I never stopped learning. Even though I had changed my major and eventually dropped out of the music program, I still found myself working to improve my voice and spending several hours a day researching how the voice works. I even borrowed a friends books from college and began making my way through those. For someone who wasn't in school I sure spent a lot of time studying and practicing. Did you know that Juilliard posts their master classes on youtube? I've watched quite a few of them and even attended vocal workshops. I found a love for theatre and was able to improve my acting and worked on how to have good stage presence. I realized that through those ten years where I thought I had given up on my dream I was actually working harder than ever on it. I was only confused by one thing. Why had I convinced myself that I shouldn't major in music?
I had originally concluded that it was that freshmen orientation class. I think that might have been what eighteen year old me was thinking when she wrote, "I'll show him." I think she was chasing the right attitude, but with the wrong goal. You see, it wasn't the professor or even his comment that sent me down the road I'm currently traveling. It was me. I didn't believe in myself. There was no lack of dreaming. That wasn't the problem. The problem is that I believed so little in my abilities and talents that one sentence convinced me I could never make those dreams a reality. And that is the lie I mistakenly chose to believe.
One morning, I had the computer on my lap while I was day dreaming about the wonderful performance of 'La Traviata' that I had just taken my students to the night before. I found myself smiling at the thought of what it must be like to perform on the stage at the Capitol Theater and remembered the conversation with the woman sitting next to me about her time in the vocal performance program at the University of Utah. I looked at my computer and started laughing as I google searched the school, clicked on admissions, and started filling out the application. Even though I was doing this on a whim, I immediately knew that it was what I was supposed to do. I saw that the auditions into the music program were coming up and quickly requested a time. Two weeks later I walked out of the audition room smiling from ear to ear. I had no idea if I had made it or not, but it felt awesome to perform classical music again. The acoustics in the room were incredible and I found myself thinking, "Dang! Is that me singing?!" I'm not going to lie, I was kind of impressed with my voice. Two weeks after that I was competing in a N.A.T.S competition in Salt Lake and took 1st place. That night I thought of a quote from my favorite book, The Alchemist.
"And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."In that moment I felt like the universe was most definitely helping me achieve everything I wanted. I knew that I was back to actively working to make my dreams become a reality and now I had the one thing that I didn't have ten year ago: I believed in myself.
I have since performed in a concert at temple square to celebrate the winners of the N.A.T.S competition. I have also received my acceptance letter into the University of Utah. But I am most excited that I have been accepted into the University of Utah School of Music as a Vocal Performance major!
“Before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we’ve learned as we’ve moved toward that dream.”― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
Update: As noted above, I wasn't really expecting to go back to school. It just happened upon me one fateful January morning. I hate asking for help, but if you could spare even a little bit I would be eternally grateful. Just click the link below. Thank you for all the love and support that has already been given to me at this exciting time in my life.
More Updates for my local readers: A few wonderful women in my neighborhood have also organized a fundraiser for me. The date is June 6 and 7. It's a bake/yard sale. It will go from 8:00 am - 4:00 pm on both days. Address is 160 E. 200 S. Canyon Road in Fillmore. Thanks for the help!
