Author's note: This post is mostly to help me wrap my brain around the end of another chapter, explore the lessons I learned, and say farewell to all the characters who appeared in said chapter. It has a different feel than my other posts and I hope you can forgive me for that, but it was something I needed to write down.
In the hour that followed I received some pretty awesome guidance and became excited at the answers I had received. I knew I wanted to teach voice lessons. After that prayer I suddenly began to see what I was really supposed to do. Teach anyone who has the desire to learn music. I also knew that I wanted to start directing musicals again. I received the same thought. Teach and create opportunities for anyone who has the desire to learn. It was strange how much that thought just kept coming to my mind. I wanted to make sure I understood what that meant and as I thought, I knew what it meant to me. There are people who have such a strong desire to learn music or how to perform, though they are sometimes overlooked because they aren't as talented as so-and-so or they can't perform as well as what's-his-face. I knew that these thoughts were coming to me for a reason, and I made the choice that second that I was going to do my best to encourage all the youth I came in contact with to understand that they could improve and have opportunities as long as they were willing to work. That was my purpose. I felt strongly that I had to move to Fillmore for a reason and changing lives was that very reason! (Say that last sentence as dramatically and with as much conviction as you can possibly muster. Trust me, it adds to the rest of the story.)
Here I am, having experienced some of the most challenging years of my life, and I don't know whether to laugh or cry at the memory of that night. I think of all the wonderful things that have happened to me: pulling off some amazing musicals with some of the best students in the world, being called to direct the stake youth choir and witnessing the miracles that came with that calling, and seeing some of my private voice students work hard and make some incredible improvements. Each one of these achievements makes me happy to think about. Not because of what I accomplished, but because of the people I was able to work with. The small moments of success in each of their lives. That spark in their eye and the smile on their face when they learned difficult music or a challenging technique. The bond that I have with those who took these journeys with me. The friendships made! So many wonderful memories.
Yet each one of those memories is also accompanied by the most horrible moments in my life: the people who criticized every choice I made as I directed the musicals, the choir member who took every opportunity to let others know how little they respected me and thought I didn't know what I was doing, and the students who struggled and couldn't quite get past their personal hurdles. The frustration in the eyes of those who worked their hardest, but still had a hard time making improvements. The hurt from those who didn't get cast as the character they so desperately wanted. The anguish from losing friends. The negative comments about my talent, about the talent of my students, about how wrong I was to give opportunities to those who weren't as naturally talented. The negative comments about how I directed choirs and musicals, about how I played the piano, about the music I picked. The criticisms about my priorities, the comments, jokes, and rumors about my sexual orientation. (Which were super hurtful and completely untrue. This woman is attracted to MEN.) The mean and hurtful comments to my students and the discouragement they felt from those who should have been giving them encouragement. It's been an emotional ride, to say the least.
Sometimes it's hard for me to remember the good through all of the hurt I feel. I have spent the last year healing, and now that I have had time, I can look back and realize what was happening. That night three years ago, I was so focused on what I was supposed to do as far as working with the youth that I misunderstood my reason for moving here. There are those who come to me and tell me how much my being here has helped them. I love those moments. I cherish those moments. Those moments are the moments that warm my heart and let me know that I have made a difference in the world. That my being here wasn't a complete waste of time. That I am a good person who is capable of doing good to others. That I am capable of loving and being loved. Because of those moments I know that part of what I thought that night was correct: I needed to move to Fillmore. I was supposed to help others and be a teacher. I was supposed to change lives. I just forgot to count myself as one of those lives that needed changing.
I'm one of those delusional people that believes everything happens for a reason. There is a purpose to everything. I honestly think that I was guided to Fillmore because I needed to learn, to change, and to grow. In my first post I talked about how trials aren't necessarily a bad thing. I wrote that because I finally understood. It is because of those trials that I was able to change. I came here with the intention of staying. I wanted to open my own theatre and do so many great things for the people of Fillmore. The intentions of my Father in Heaven were much different. I have come to the end of my time in this small community and I am a completely different woman than the day I moved back. I am older. I have thicker skin. I am more wise. I am more patient. I am more reserved. I have bigger dreams. I am more independent. I am more grateful. I am more cautious. I am more daring. I am better prepared for the obstacles I am about to face. I am ready to discover the woman I was meant to become.
I look at that list and realize that some of those changes may seem confusing, or that maybe they are changes that aren't necessarily good for me, but I know that I am a better person today because I changed and that there are definitely more changes to come. Change simultaneously excites and terrifies me, but I know it is necessary. I haven't always been willing to embrace change, but I think the biggest lesson that I have learned from the last three years is to be ever changing. Change doesn't mean that we have to completely give up the person we've come to know, just to add to and become the person we are meant to be.
Farewell to Fillmore
Tonight I pack. In a few days I will move on to the next chapter of my life. I will face new challenges, discover new wonders, and inevitably change again. But, before I end this chapter I want to say thank you. Good and bad, my time here was exactly what I needed. Whether my time with you was one of joy and happiness or frustration and hurt, you were all meant to be in my life. And for that I am grateful. You have all played a vital role in my life, and I can't thank you enough. You have changed me and helped me find a way to discover old dreams and find new passions. I hope the best for this wonderful community of ours. Thank you for the support, the love, the obstacles, the laughter, the tears, and the sunsets. You all deserve happiness and I hope you find it. And with that, goodbye.
Stay tuned for my next chapter! It's bound to be exciting and entertaining.
