I had fought so hard and thought that all my battles had been won, only to find the war had just begun.That is how I'm feeling today. It's how I have been feeling for about the last six months. I thought that the hardest thing I would ever have to endure or try and overcome was the eating disorder or the cutting or addictions. I made it through so many of those and thought that I would finally be free, but what I had forgotten was that an eating disorder isn't about the food. There are underlying issues. For some it was abuse of some form or another. Luckily, I never lived through anything so horrendous. For others it was another form of traumatic experience. But for me, well, I have depression. Really, really bad depression. It wasn't until I got through all of the coping mechanisms that I realized just how bad it was. I always told myself in the midst of treatment for the eating disorders that I didn't understand what my underlying reason for the disorder was. Sure, there were some really insensitive comments from those close to me and there were other times that I was mistreated by those that I trusted, and believe me, those things were difficult for me. Extremely difficult. But I could never understand why. Until this year.
Don't get me wrong, I was never so clueless that I didn't know there was something very painful going on inside of me that came in the form of a mental illness, but no one could ever really agree on what that was. I was convinced that if I could just overcome the eating disorder or the self harm or the other addictions that I would be fine. That I would overcome all the pain. It's like I believed that the mental illness that was at the root of all of this would disappear once the harmful behavior was gone and that is why the last six months have been more painful and difficult than anything I could have ever possibly imagined. This post, this is for me. It's me being the most real I've ever been. And being the most honest with myself and others about what is really going on with me.
January was a particularly challenging month for me, right from the very first day. After having my car stolen, being dumped, starting another semester at school, and continuing treatment I wasn't sure how I was going to cope. In fact, it took me a couple of weeks into the semester to even get myself going to classes regularly, but I did what I always do and kept pushing through. I had this awesome habit of convincing myself that if I just kept doing what I was supposed to be doing that things would get better. When February came all of that came crashing down. I couldn't keep going anymore. I was hurting and I couldn't pretend that everything was ok anymore. One Thursday night I decided I needed to come clean with my parents about everything that I was feeling and what I was truly going through. I collapsed on the couch the instant I walked in the door and broke down into sobs as I explained to my mother what was going on with me. Whatever was keeping my heart from breaking completely snapped that night as I thought about the tender mercy I had been given to help me overcome my eating disorder. I had been given two wonderful weeks in November where everything felt right and good in my life. Where I felt the most hope and comfort I had ever felt. Where I was finally feeling like my life had a purpose. Here I was only a few months later, sobbing on my parent's couch realizing that all of that was gone that there was something very very wrong going on with me. I was in so much pain I was willing to try anything to fix it.
"I think my period has something to do with me being so sad. Is it possible to have extreme PMS?"
The day after I went home I was in a doctor's appointment to discuss the pattern of my period being at the root of all my problems. I had recognized that all of my most emotionally distressing times were always around my time of the month, and while I wasn't positive that's what it was I was willing to explore all possibilities of treatment to help take away the most intense emotional pain that I was feeling. I chose to try birth control. I wasn't in any hurry to go on more medication than I needed to be on and I figured that a lot of women go on birth control, so what could be the harm?
For two weeks things continued as they were. I was still incredibly depressed and didn't quite know how to deal with anything. I started going to classes and kept attending church, though I would spend most of my time sneaking in to sacrament meeting late on purpose so that I could sit by myself and hiding in an empty classroom during Sunday school because I was convinced that being around others was the most awful thing I could do for anybody at the moment. Including myself. I even dropped out of one of the choirs that was the most beneficial to my life because I felt like it's what I needed to do for myself and others. When I wasn't going to school or church I was at home, not practicing or studying, but crying and pleading with my Father in Heaven to help me in someway.
One fateful Sunday, I had been doing my usual routine of avoiding people at church. I tried to convince myself that maybe I should try being social and made the choice to go to a linger longer after church. I was there for maybe 45 seconds when I felt it coming on. My heart started beating hard, I couldn't breathe right, and I was biting back the tears. I walked out of the room and tried getting to my car as quickly as possible. I was crying and gasping for breath for the entire drive to my apartment. When I got home, I shut the door to my room and curled up in a ball on my overstuffed chair. I rocked back and forth repeating over and over again, "I am a daughter of God, I am loved, I have a purpose, I'm ok," over and over again for thirty minutes. It didn't work. I grabbed a blanket and screamed into it to try and get my frustration out and somehow calm down. It didn't work. I finally did the only thing that I could do and fell to my knees. I pleaded with Him to help me. It was an urgent cry for help of a prayer. It was a prayer of longing and begging. I finally exclaimed, "Just tell me what to do! I will do anything! Just tell me what to do!"
Go make dinner.
I stopped and looked up as the thought very clearly came to my mind. I had never really experienced a prayer where the answer came so quickly and was so seemingly weird, but there had been a peaceful feeling that came with it, so even though I didn't see the point in getting up to make dinner, I did it. I told Him I would do anything and so I did. I continued to cry as I prepared the blackened salmon. Though it began to slow as I made the mediterranean sauce and tomato salsa to go on my tacos. When I finally had my dinner plated and was sitting at the table by myself, the sobbing had stopped, though I still felt miserable. I said a prayer over my food and let one last tear roll down my cheek. I stared into nothingness as I ate my dinner in silence and then cleaned up after myself. I allowed my body to walk back down the stairs where I sat on the floor and looked at the wall. "Now what?"
Serve. Deliver the cookies and write the notes.
I had been planning on trying to do a secret service project for people in my ward (yes, I realize this is going to make it not so secret anymore. Let's be honest though, I wasn't very good at sneaking around anyway.) I walked back up the stairs, baked a batch of cookies and began thinking of people that I could deliver to. As I thought about those I wanted to serve, I began thinking about them and how they had helped me and tried to write a heart felt note to them, signing it anonymously with the worlds most lame pseudonym. I tied everything up in a package and spent the rest of the night doorbell ditching cookies to people in my ward. I felt peaceful, but still knew that I wasn't ok. When I got home I immediately said a prayer and and thanked Him for helping me get through the day, amazed at how quickly I was receiving answers and even more in awe at how the answers were being revealed to me.
I realized that I should pray more for help if it was going to come that easily, and for the next few days I spent some time trying to understand this new personal revelation that I was getting. If I could just let the words come to my mind on answers I had been trying to receive and let a peaceful feeling come, then I know that it would be right. Day after day for the next week I spent all of my time allowing my thoughts to be opened up to receive answers. I would test out answers that I could possibly receive and wait to feel if I would get a feeling of anxiousness or a feeling of peace and then I would act on whatever the answer was.
Now, those who are of my same religion will think that there is nothing quite so strange about what I just laid out for all of you to read, but pay attention to things that may not seem right. (Also, from this point on I just want you to know that when I think about all of this I am extremely embarrassed and want to hide my face in shame.)
One morning, I woke up and laid in bed and allowed personal revelation to come to me. I was doing much better now that I had been spending so much time in prayer and getting answers, but there were still aspects of my life that were still troubling to me. In reality, all aspects of my life were still a mess, but I was hoping that with this new found connection to deity I was going to be able to fix everything. It was this line of thinking that led to me to be so consumed with being dumped and thinking so intently about the one who dumped me.
He's going to text you today.
Are you sure?
Yes. Get out of bed and go to school.
I dutifully climbed out of bed and began the morning process of preparing for classes. The thought of facing people didn't intimidate me as much as it had in the last month and a half and I would say that I was even in a really great mood. I had been struggling so immensely that it felt nice to look forward to the day with the assurance that someone I was missing was going to speak with me again.
On the way to school, I listened to my favorite radio station, Classical 89 (What did you expect? I am training to be an opera singer after all.) On this particular week they had been doing their fundraising event. I listened as the announcer told the goal they had for donations that hour and how far they were from reaching that goal. I thought to myself, "Man, if I were fundraising it would drive me nuts to not be able to reach my goal."
You need to donate money to Classical 89. They could use your help.
"Really? Because I don't know that I have enough money to be donating to radio stations."
Yes, you need to donate money to Classical 89.I laughed as I got out of my car. I didn't understand how giving money that I didn't have away was supposed to help me, but maybe it wasn't about me. Maybe it was about the fact that now that I was feeling better and things were starting to go well it was time for me to give back, even if that did mean giving away money I didn't have. After my first class, I marched myself down to my favorite lounging place in the music building, opened my computer and donated $40.00 to the radio station. As soon as I clicked submit, I received another one.
Remember how you were joking around with Dana yesterday? You need to go apologize to her. You really hurt her feelings."Oh, that makes me so sad. I didn't mean to hurt her feelings, I thought she knew that we were all just joking around. I'm so sorry."
It's ok, but you really should apologize to her.
I looked up and noticed her down the hallway. I waited until she was done talking with all of her friends and then approached her explaining how sorry I was for hurting her feelings.
"Dude, you were ok. I knew you were just joking. I wasn't offended at all. Don't worry about it."
We talked and laughed for the next little bit. She is always so entertaining to talk to and it was a nice distraction from my questions about being told that I had hurt someones feelings, but then they assured me they weren't offended. Why would I be told to do something that was unnecessary?
When I had finished talking with Dana, I went to the practice rooms to play the piano for a little bit. I hadn't practiced in a while and I had been given music to accompany for the one choir that I still had left. As I sat down to play, I thought about how someone had once told me that if you write down the inspiration you receive that it keeps you in a mind set to receive more, so that's what I did. I opened up a notebook and started writing. I began asking who would benefit from a plate of cookies and a personalized note from me (don't forget the lame pseudonym). I spent the next hour writing out what I was receiving and a lot of it had to do not only with who I should take cookies to, but why they needed a pick me. (See any problems yet?)
After my last class of the day I was exhausted. I didn't know why, I hadn't done anything that was all that tiring. I knew I was going to be attending a concert that night though, and so a nap was in order. I lay down to take a nap when I started to receive more commands.
You need to text Cheryl and tell her what a good person she is and how she has affected you.
I immediately grabbed my phone and started typing. Because I was so tired, I was slightly bothered that I couldn't just sleep, but I also didn't want to ignore promptings that I was receiving. I kept typing and typing until I received a peaceful feeling that I had done enough. I was even receiving the words that I was supposed to say as well. Once I sent the text I tried to lie down again.
You need to text your institute choir director and let him know how much he has helped you and how much I love Him.Again, I started typing in exactly what I was supposed to say. Making corrections when I typed something that I wasn't told to write down. Once I had finally finished the long text I was able to take a nap long enough to give me energy for the concert I would be attending. The whole time wondering about that text that I was told I was going to get that day. I sat through the choir concert, feeling sad that I wasn't up there singing with the choir that I had quit, but it was a lovely concert with beautiful music. The concert took place on temple square and once it had finished and everyone had gone home, I found the solitude of temple square inviting. I went and sat down in front of the temple to pray. I looked longingly at the beautiful building and thought about my life. I even told of my doubts that of the "revelations" that I had been receiving.
You need to have more faith. You need to trust.I apologized for my lack of faith and for questioning. I returned home after 10:00 and trying not to doubt about whether or not I was going to get that text. I knew I needed to get a good nights rest as I had a performance in Pleasant Grove the next morning, but I didn't want to go to sleep because I had been told I was going to get a text and I didn't want to miss it. At 12:01 I began to cry.
"He didn't text me. Why would you tell me something was going to happen when it wasn't going to happen? Why would you do that to me? Were you just testing my faith or whether I would believe you or not? I have been following everything you've told me to do, haven't I proven myself to you?"
The more I prayed the more sad I became and the harder the tears flowed. I didn't understand why He would tell me something was going to happen when it wasn't going to happen.
You need to get up and go to Walmart to buy a gift and take to him. You need him to forgive you and this will work.I looked at my phone through the tears. 1:30 am. "You want me to go to the store at 1:30 in the morning to buy a gift for someone so they will forgive me?! That is nuts. I'm tired and need to sleep. I have to sing so early tomorrow."
ShaRee, get up and go to the store. You need to trust me.
Thirty minutes later I was walking through Walmart, being told which rows to walk down, whether to turn left or right and even what gift to buy - children's Hulk slippers. (Why am I telling this story? Ugh, so embarrassing.)
"Are you sure this is what I'm supposed to buy? I don't know that this is the right thing to buy."
Yes, it absolutely is. You need to trust me.Once I got out to my car I was tired and grumpy, but I was doing what I was told.
Take it to his house. He'll be home."By the time I get there it'll be 2:30! I can't go to someones house at that time.
Go to his house and take him the gift. He'll be home and he'll even be up.When I pulled in front of his house I didn't see his car and there were no lights on in the house, but I was told again to deliver the gift. So I rang the doorbell, waking up a roommate but not leaving the gift. I embarrassingly walked back to my car, driving home, and once again crying at the confusion as to what was going on. I climbed into my bed an buried my face in my pillow. "Why would you make me do all that?! Why would you tell me to do stuff that wouldn't work out?"
My beautiful daughter. I am so sorry you're hurting."Then why would you tell me to do something that would make me hurt? This doesn't make sense."
Silence. I cried myself to sleep, wishing I could forget all that had happened.
* * * * * * * * *
The next morning I tried to explain away all that had happened the night before thinking that it was a trial of my faith to see if I would continue to follow what He would have me do. I went to the program I was supposed to sing in, and through the entire performance I was saying prayers and listening to instructions of what to do. At the end of the hour and a half I was convinced that I was supposed to call him, explain about the gift, then ask him to meet with me so that I could confess some things about myself to this man. If I did that then I would be forgiven of all my sins. Luckily, he never called me back, but at the time I was annoyed because I had been told that I would be forgiven of all my sins and it all depended on another person calling me back. It didn't seem fair, but I wasn't allowed to call him again. He had to call me.
The next day was Sunday. I had to lead the music in sacrament meeting, so the entire time I was up on the stand I was listening to personal revelation instead of the sacrament speakers. They all were speaking about prayer and how we receive answers, but what they were saying didn't make sense with all of the answers that I had been receiving and how I'd been receiving them. That's when I was told that it was because I had been given a spiritual gift and that not everyone could receive personal revelation the way that I could. That Sunday also happened to be the day that a man with a high calling in my church decided to visit our ward and after Sacrament he came over to me to shake my hand. He had an incredibly beautiful compliment about my voice and it's power, telling me he could feel my spirit throughout. This is when it was confirmed to me that I did indeed have a spiritual gift and that this man could tell and that was really what the compliment was about.
The next day was the day that I went to go see the energy healer. I had read a book a few months earlier about a woman who had been healed from her stuff from this energy healer, so I had made an appointment to go visit her. Like I said, I was willing to try anything. While at the energy healer, she confirmed that I did indeed have a spiritual gift, but that I needed to start over because there had been an evil entity inside of me trying to confuse me. Also, I needed to write down more of the revelations that I got and that I was speaking to not one, but two people - Heavenly Father and Jesus. She did some other stuff working through healing my energy, I paid her money I didn't have, and then I went to perform at a master class.
It was one of the best performances I've ever had. I was so free and instead of telling myself how awful I was doing, I had deity telling me how wonderfully I was doing and that my voice was powerful. I don't think I've ever been able to perform like that before.
The next day is when it started getting interesting. I was supposed to be spending the day practicing and studying as I had midterms coming up. As soon as I woke up the voices in my head started. Immediately telling me that I didn't need to study now that I had found access to them, but also that it was more important for me to develop my gift than to study. The entire day was spent having conversations with Heavenly Father and Jesus, even being told that I was a prophetess and would be a great person someday very soon. I was also warned that now that I had found my gift, the adversary would be after me even more than he had been so I needed to be careful. That's when I began to get scared and being told that I was under attack by evil spirits. I called my home teacher to come bless my apartment and was told that he was the only one I could tell about my gift. He stayed with me until I calmed down. Then I was told they were after me again. I was running around my apartment trying to find a place that they couldn't get to me, which was in my room where the blessing took place. I called my home teacher back and made him bless the apartment room by room. Then I was told that I had inadvertently sent evil spirits to my ex's house when I sent him pictures of the gift I had gotten him, which was in fact not a command from Heavenly Father and Jesus, but from an evil entity trying to trick me. Then I had my home teacher cast evil spirits out of me, but I still felt like I was under attack so I called the bishop and asked if he could give me a blessing. I spent a very terrifying hour listening to voices in my head fighting because one came from a good place and one came from a bad place. I was so terrified and exhausted that I began shaking and kept checking my body for marks because I kept being told that there were evil spirits after me trying to hurt me. I had an awkward encounter with my bishop where I tried to explain what was going on and then called my home teacher to come give me another blessing because something wasn't right. It wasn't until he showed up with a friend that things started to calm down. I was confused at everything that was going on, but his friend spoke about the plain truths of the gospel and about how what I was experiencing wasn't exactly along the same lines as those truths. They gave me a blessing of comfort and that I would be able to rest.
The next morning I woke up still confused as to what was going on, but considered the option that I hadn't ever had an experience like this and the only thing that had changed was the birth control. I had to make a very embarrassing phone call to my doctor's medical assistant.
"Yeah, hi, um well I went on birth control and now I'm hearing voices in my head.....so........"
"The doctor says to stop taking the medication and he'll meet with you soon."
"Yeah, good plan."
I had a very long drive home to my parents where I had to call and tell them that I might be schizophrenic. I had always wondered how people with schizophrenia couldn't tell that it wasn't real, now I had a very real understanding of just how that works. The doctor told me that it was indeed the medication and that it wouldn't have been schizophrenia because the voices were in my head, I wasn't actually hearing them. What I was experiencing was delusions. Which then lead me to be convinced that I had delusional disorder and even admitted that to a few people before it was taken off the table. I had to compete in a competition while trying to get the birth control medication out of my system. I gotta say, I kinda missed having my head tell me nice things while I was performing. It wasn't my best performance, but I still took first, so it must've been good enough. I think I was actually receiving help from Heavenly Father, ya know the real one, not the one in my head. I shouldn't have been able to perform well enough to win, it was a tender mercy for sure.
So why am I telling this part of my story? I think I have hopes that I'm not the only one out there that has had such a bizarre thing happen to them. But I guess in the spirit of being open and honest about everything, it has really messed with my ability to recognize the spirit and personal revelation. I call it my ShaReesus experience. I have spent every day since that day asking questions, praying for help, and reading the scriptures and conference talks. I even went off of all medication for a while so that I could hopefully solve my problem. All that did was make the depression go off the charts and I've spent a lot of time fighting suicidal thoughts.
Now we've come full circle and we're back to looking at the possibility of periods as the cause of the depression, so now I'm back on some birth control, without the estrogen. It's been a month and no voices, so I guess that in itself is an answer to prayers.
I guess the only point of this post really is just because writing about what I'm going through helps me. It helps to see all of the craziness spelled out and be able to move on. It helps to know that there is maybe someone out there reading it who understands. It helps to know that maybe someone could maybe gain strength or not feel so alone knowing that I'm right there fighting with them. I got so depressed that I went on birth control and heard voices in my head. I'm still fighting the depression and trying to find my smile again. I'm still trying to find a purpose to my life and find joy in the journey. But here I am, wondering if I'm ever going to be happy again. Wondering if those who love me are ever going to be free from walking this painful road with me. I struggle. I struggle a lot. Right now I'm struggling to get out of bed everyday. Right now I'm struggling to know who I am without all of this. What makes me a good person? Who am I at my core? And I guess I just wanted to share and be honest about that side of me. I don't think it's who I am, I think it's a trial I have to deal with, but it does play a role in the kind of life I live.
I've made it through so much already, and I am so grateful for that, but the war has just begun and most days I feel kind of hopeless about that. But I do have a testimony of the plan of salvation. That's why I haven't killed myself. I know that if I can just hold on a bit longer then I can be free of all of this. That helps, but sometimes it also makes me wish the next life would come sooner rather than later. I know that Heavenly Father loves me. I can't feel it all the time, especially not right now, but I know He does. I know I have loving parents who are strong enough to fight with me. I know it isn't easy for them, but it's comforting to know they're there. I know I am a daughter of God. I know all these things, yet sometimes it doesn't take the pain away. But what I'm really grateful for right now is a four year old girl hanging playfully from a tree she had climbed yelling out, "ShaRee, I love you so much." It gave me a moment where I felt loved. Today I have to keep holding onto that moment, because right now it's all I can feel that I have.
P.S. Do you think Classical 89 would give me my money back if I told them ShaReesus made me do it? Meh, oh well. It's a good radio station.
