The blond woman sat across from the psychiatrist trying to decide how she felt about what she just heard.
"Many people get misdiagnosed as having other disorders because this is such a tricky one to pin down. Based off of what you told me, I think you have this - or at least partially. It's really a miracle that you are 30 and this is the first time you've tried to kill yourself. There's a lot of information floating around about this. DON'T look it up online. Most of the information online is garbage and outdated. I really urge you to stay away from it."
"Well, I'm in a lock down facility with no access to technology. So I couldn't even if I wanted to." The blond woman had a gift for humor in tense moments.
The last few days had been taxing. Suicide attempt, hospital, handcuffs, and now the psych ward. She sat in a room for five minutes with this psychiatrist and learned about medication mess-ups and this new diagnosis and tried to make sense of it all. There was a sense of relief at knowing what had plagued her for most of her life. If she knew what the problem was she could fix it. Right?
It has been many years since the last time I shared my feelings on this forum. In fact, the last time I posted was about what remains to be the worst day of my life. My time since that fateful day and the information I learned because of it has placed me on quite the journey. Typically in my posts, a story is laid out about a specific part of my life after the flash back introduction. This post is going to be different because I want to present the information I'm sharing with you as the woman I am today. In this moment. Allow me to introduce myself.
My name is ShaRee and I am a remarkable woman. I have a very big heart that is bursting with kindness at its core. I am full of passion and am blessed with a unique way of looking at life. I was once described by a therapist as a "glittering unicorn, angel baby, floating ball of light." (I sincerely hope that brought a smile to your face, because it got a cute little giggle out of me.) I have a beautiful voice and a love of sharing music with the world. I have a marvelous sense of humor and a laugh I've come to cherish. I have a desire to learn new things and have become a master pie maker. I am so many wonderful things! And underneath all of that is what I think brings that all together: I am a tender hearted soul with a strong, courageous, and resilient spirit. Two seemingly opposing ideas that I've recently learned how to bring together.
I am a beautiful person.
It's important to me that people know this about me, because it's what I know I am. There have been times in my life where I didn't see these things in myself and, because of that, didn't present myself in a way that others could see it either. And yet, it's always who I have been. Those things are who I am and who I strive to be. I want so much to live a life where love is at the center of it all.
The flashback above, detailing the day I met with a psychiatrist in the psych ward is really etched in my memory. I don't think I fully understood what it meant when she shared that information with me but I did feel a sense that I would finally be able to fix the hole inside of me. You see, the stories of my life that I've shared with you thus far have detailed a life of sadness, despair, hopelessness, anxiety and all of the ineffective ways in which I tried to deal with it all. That day, that excruciatingly painful day, led me to the answer I needed. It wasn't until several years later that I was able to finally connect with the resources that would help me heal. So, let me tell you about some other things about myself.
I came into the world a sensitive person bursting with an overabundance of emotions. A dear friend described it in this way, "ShaRee I know that when the sun is shining in my sky that it's got rainbows and beauty in yours and when my sky is gray yours is black." And he's right. My emotions allow me to feel love and see beauty to heightened degrees. And with that I also have the burden to feel pain to a heightened degree. Life can sometimes feel really heavy and can get exhausting.
Here's the thing - sometimes the world doesn't know what to do with sensitive people who experience emotions like that. It's not their fault. If they haven't experienced it, of course they can't understand it. Unfortunately for me, that means that I faced a lot of invalidation. When that happens, it starts a spiral of shame. I became ashamed of what I was and thus, didn't ever learn what to do with my emotions when I experienced them. You know what happens when you're ashamed of yourself for feeling things? You don't want to feel them anymore. You want to stop yourself from feeling anything. (Can you see where this is going?) It means that you spend your life trying to numb out by employing a long list of ineffective behaviors including, but not limited to, anorexia, binge-eating, self-harm, suicidal ideation, and other addictions. (This is my list, not everyone's.)
After a while you lose yourself. You no longer have a positive sense of self or can even see yourself for who you truly are. You become bitter. Your brain doesn't know what to do so it dissociates. You try to fight what you're feeling, but it only compounds and then any little thing can set you off. Pretty soon you're buried in fear, anger, disgust, shame, guilt, sadness, envy and jealousy. And then you make ineffective choices to deal with it which leads to more fear, anger, disgust, shame, guilt, sadness, envy, and jealousy. There's no longer any room for sunshine, roses, and glitter and you're left trying to survive, but you don't know how.
So you eventually turn to other people to save you because you need some sort of love and validation in your life and you've proven that you're not capable of taking care of yourself. And they try to help you in the way that they've been taught, but they don't understand you because, as mentioned above, the world doesn't always know what to do with sensitive, emotional people and they inadvertently invalidate you. Which starts the cycle all over again. This keeps going and going until you give in to the hopelessness and you want to die.
Here's where I want to remind you that the person I am is full of light and love. I see it in myself and I know it's there.
So, that's what my struggle has been. It is a challenging disorder that is full of pain. A lifetime of pain that begins to wear on you without the proper tools to combat it. I wanted to lay the basics of what my life has looked like since I was younger so that you can see that this disorder is more than what people may see from the outside perspective. It is much more than it's stigma. How grateful I am to that kind psychiatrist whose name I don't remember. The kindest thing she could have told me was that the information online was inaccurate and for me to stay away from it. And, of course, I didn't listen.
If you type this disorder online you will see comment after comment of people telling you I'm a monster and not to even bother with me. They'll tell you I'm an energy vampire and that you should set every boundary with me. Even better, put as much distance between us as possible before I ruin your life. Not really helpful to a person who already sees herself in such a way. In fact, it can really only serve to validate the ideal that my life is pointless and that I should die. I now know to stay away from the internet when researching this disorder.
I am a beautiful person with so many gifts to share with the world.
I have wrestled with the idea of opening up about my life since I got the diagnosis. I've hidden it from most people because I hated myself for having it and felt that if I shared it with anyone I wouldn't be accepted. But, I have found so much meaning in my life since I found a way to heal and if there are any of you reading this that may be experiencing the same thing, then know that there is hope and you can build a life worth living. And that's why I decided to finally do this. To be open, honest and vulnerable about all of who I am. And, in future posts, educate more and describe the way in which I was able to heal.
Allow me to introduce myself to you again.
My name is ShaRee and I am a remarkable woman. I have a fighting spirit. I am strong, courageous, and resilient. I have a very tender heart and a beautiful soul. I am kind. I am loving.
And I have borderline personality disorder.
