"The blond young woman sat in her chair, grateful that no one was home to witness what she was doing. It had been the same cycle for months and it was the only thing she looked forward to everyday. She pulled her blanket over her, rested the computer onto her lap, and pulled the bags of food closer to her. If anyone could see the amount of food she was about to consume she knew she would be ashamed. But they weren't here and this binge was the only thing distracting her from the thoughts and emotions she didn't know how to get rid of. It didn't matter that she would feel worse after. In fact, she wouldn't even let that fact be entertained. All she wanted was the distraction from the food her cravings screamed for and to escape into the world of a movie that would let her live anywhere but in the present moment. She pulled up the movie on the computer, reached for the first container of food, and began."
Yes, I struggle with addictions. There are several that constantly pop up at various times in my life but the most prominent is food. I am not alone in this. I can easily measure my life by whether I was in a binge cycle or a restrict cycle. Both are physically and mentally damaging. And one of them is financially damaging as well. One of them helps me feel in control and gets me positive attention. Well, positive until a certain point and then it becomes painful for those around me and infuriating that voice inside my head telling me not to eat. The other one is much more distracting and somehow comforting, though maybe not in the most effective way. It brings me the kind of attention that I don't want. That attention will often feed the cycle. Both lead to isolation, shame, guilt, sadness, and anxiety. I would say that's a pretty ineffective coping strategy.
I'm thinking this week that I'd like to practice some addiction skills and use the P.L.E.A.S.E skills to help me do so since my physical health is so affected by the addiction I would like to face. I'm sincerely hoping to experience an array of emotions because I have spent so much of my life ignoring my emotions with the use of my addictions. As I'm typing this out I already feel exhausted and I haven't even started yet. It's humorous to me that I almost want to give up before I've even started because it all just feels like so much work. I remember feeling this way when I first started DBT. I had done therapy so many times before and it had never worked. I walked into that therapist office not feeling much hope but knowing I needed to try. When I met my new therapist, she outlined exactly what this therapy would look like. She handed me a binder and stack of papers and told me it would be a lot of work and so worth all of that work. It had worked for her and that gave me the small amount of hope I needed to try it. But I still doubted it would work.
I love to learn and when I first started DBT I had just recently graduated with my degree in Music. I realized that, unlike my high school years and previous attempts at college, the person I'd become in my late twenties had this need to master what she was learning in class, studying like crazy. I didn't want to fail at this like I had so many other things and every time I aced a test, including answering all the extra credit questions flawlessly, it gave me a thrill that I wanted to experience again and again. I even remember sitting in a hotel room in upstate New York taking an online test after a day of auditioning and site seeing, knowing I was about to pass with flying colors. Yes, I was even studying and taking tests on trips. When I graduated from the University of Utah, it was the ultimate thrill to know that I had accomplished something that took years of work. And I did it all while being tossed about emotionally and physically from the mental illness that it took 30 years to diagnose.
DBT was going to be like college. It was a two hour group class every week complete with homework plus a one hour individual therapy session also complete with homework. And when I say homework I don't mean just going home every week with a list of feel good things to try that are suggested by my therapist. I mean, actual worksheets with lists of evidence based activities that I have to try and report back on each week. I mean a paper with a list of emotions and behaviors and skills that I have to check mark and rate each week and show my therapist, group therapist leaders, and my fellow classmates that I've completed. If you don't complete the homework, the therapists will work through with you in front of the class what got in your way of doing the homework and how to never let it happen again. Hear me when I say there is no excuse that you can give that will be able to save you from this process. Haha. This set up works for me. It's why I was able to complete school. I love having that homework completed and being able to show the teacher that I did my stuff, I know my stuff, and am ready to learn new stuff. It's that thrill.
I graduated from DBT in July of 2020. I continued on with individual therapy for a few more months when my therapist felt that I was ready to face the world on my own. I was completely done with therapy in October of 2021, three years after I first started. I knew I was still having problems with my emotions since the beginning of the pandemic and my therapist could see it too. It wasn't the world that either of us wanted me to graduate into and I think we both just finally got to a point where we went, "The pandemic isn't going away. I guess it's time for me to just go out there and do the best I can like everyone else." There is still a part of me that wishes I would've said, "Can I start another round of the group classes? I think I need the structure and the homework and the weekly checking of my homework." I know it's always an option, but I also know that I can't do therapy forever. At some point I want and need to be able to be the person who is checking my own homework. I want and need to be the person who can motivate herself to do these things because it will help her feel love and peace, not because it'll earn her a gold star sticker from teacher.
With that being said, I'm going to use this blog as a way to help me keep track of what I'm trying to accomplish on my own. In addition to the P.L.E.A.S.E skills, I'm focusing on the addiction skills that were only touched on briefly in therapy. I have ordered the DBT skills workbook and I'm diving in with all that homework on my own. I have started by deleting food delivery apps and throwing out gift cards. I've made the goal to limit my TV time to one movie on the weekend. Watching TV and movies often triggers a binge and is simply another ineffective coping strategy for me. I'd classify it as another addiction.
So, this week I try again to get my feet pointed toward experiencing a life worth living instead of hiding behind addictions to disconnect from reality.
PL - Treat physical illness
E - Balance your eating
A - Avoid mind altering substances
S - Get enough sleep
E - Get regular exercise
I'll update as I go. I just think that the way I find my way back to myself is to do my own weekly therapy. And this online journal can help me to remember just how amazing doing this work can be for my life.
