Chapter 1: “I fear that I bore you with these details, but I have to let you see my little difficulties, if you are to understand the situation.” ― Arthur Conan Doyle, The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes

Snow was still falling from the dark January sky as I took the exit to get onto highway 89. This light snow storm was nothing compared to the blizzard I had voluntarily driven through to get home at the end of fall semester. I had been anxious to get back to Fillmore after the semester and share all of my exciting adventures from my first semester of college and no blizzard warning was going to keep me from doing just that. As I got closer to Ogden, I laughed to myself about the ridiculousness of my choice. After Christmas break, I was more excited to get back to my apartment than I had been to get to my parents house a few weeks before. During the two and half hour drive I had spent most of my time reflecting on everything that had happened since starting school. I had made so many new friends who helped me break out of the shell I had built around myself growing up, my nephew was born and had me wrapped around his little finger, and I had passed all of my classes. All in all, my first semester of college had been a success. I also thought of how it had been so fun to discover who I was outside of the small town life I had known growing up. It had maybe been a little too fun and I spent way more time socializing than studying and working hard in school. Because of this I had quickly made my goals for 2004: Work harder. Be a better student. Practice more. Of course, I still had a couple of weeks left before spring semester started and I intended on making the most of my social life before the hard work needed to begin.

I knew when I returned to the apartment that I would be the only one there for a day or two, but I was ok to have the time to unpack and get myself organized before life started again. It was quiet and my thoughts began to replay a conversation with a friend that had happened recently.

"ShaRee, how do you really feel about yourself?"

Chris was five years older than me and when we had first met I wasn't very impressed with him. He had known and been friends with the roommates I moved in with and I remember feeling uncomfortable every time I was around him. However, the more I got to know him my opinion quickly changed and we had become quite close. I now considered him one of my best friends and was grateful that first impressions can change.

I was confused after he asked me this question and my thoughts raced to figure out why he had asked it. I had spent most of my life hiding those feelings from others behind laughter and smiles. Where did this line of questioning come from? In those few seconds I tried to decide if this was a question I wanted to answer honestly or find a way to avoid. I landed on a choice and gave my reluctant response.

"I don't like myself at all. I've never liked myself."

There were only a small number of people who had ever heard my true opinion of myself, but I don't know that I had ever so bluntly stated it. So many feelings rushed through me after I uttered those two sentences. Thoughts were racing. The silence I had created was becoming unbearable.

"Chris, what did you think about me when you first saw me?"

"I don't know, I thought you were pretty cute. ShaRee, I'm sorry you don't feel good about yourself. Can I give you a hug before you go?"

I shook myself out of the memory and went back to unpacking. I was confused by the whole conversation, but I tried not to dwell on it. We had made plans to watch a movie later that night. We always had so much fun whenever we got together. He was the one who probably taught me the most about how to be spontaneous and to get outside of my comfort zone. I expected this night to be no different.

When Chris arrived it was the usual back and forth that happened whenever we were together. Random jokes and laughter. We decided to watch The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring. Both of us had read and owned all the books in the LOTR trilogy and were huge fans. The movie had recently come out on DVD and of course we had to watch it even though both of us had seen it multiple times already. As we came to the scene where Arwen comes to the rescue of the recently injured Frodo, Chris made an interesting comment.

"I don't find Liv Tyler attractive at all! In fact, I think she is probably the ugliest person I've ever seen."

I laughed thinking that he was joking. I happen to think that she is a gorgeous woman. He had to be joking. Right? I realized by his reaction that he was, in fact, being serious. I thought back to a game Chris used to play with two of my other roommates. When we would go anywhere they would rate strangers on a scale of 1-10 based on their appearance. Ten, of course, being incredibly attractive and one......well, you get the idea. There was even a day where we were driving somewhere on the freeway and they would hold up signs to the window indicating the rating they had given people in other cars.

"So what would you rate her on your scale?"

Chris thought for only a second and replied, "Four. I would give her a solid four."

I contemplated this rating. He stated that she was the ugliest person and had still given her a four. Did this mean that four was the actual lowest rating? This rating system was different. Since the invention of this "game" I had always wondered if any of them had ever rated me. I had always avoided asking, because I figured I already knew the answer. But he had shown me that he cared about my feelings because of our conversation a month before and he had told me that I was pretty cute. All of this somehow gave me hope that I was safe to ask him.

"Ok, so Liv Tyler, the ugliest person you've ever seen, gets a four. What would you rate me?" I tried to make it sound as innocent and light hearted as I could.

"I'd rate you a five."

The next few minutes were a blur. The ugliest person he's ever seen is a four and I was just rated a five. I'm only one rating better than the ugliest person. So many emotions overcame me. So many thoughts flooded my mind, none of which were new to me. They had been constant companions to me since I was six years old. I became lost in them as the movie played on and before I knew it the movie was over. Chris had fallen asleep on the couch and I was still playing through what had happened in my head and now what I was thinking and feeling. I grabbed my journal and started to write, though I kept my entry generic and happy. In my head my thoughts just kept repeating the same things.

Over and over in my head these thoughts were racing. My brain was stuck on them for the whole movie, while I was writing my journal entry, and well into the early hours of the morning. These thoughts and feelings were very familiar to me, but something happened that night that caused these thoughts to go crazy and my emotions to overwhelm me. Maybe I just needed some sleep.


A few days later things were looking better again. One of my new roommates, Tori, moved in and I was excited to see her. She and another friend, whom I had known in high school, were going to take the empty room left by two of my roommates after they moved out in December. I had met Tori during our first semester as music students. She was also a voice major and was in quite a few of my classes. I was jealous of her beautiful red hair and the confidence with which she carried herself. She had such an infectious laugh and made friends very easily. We had become friends fairly quickly and helped each other through the stress of freshmen year.

Once she had her stuff moved in we sat in her room laughing and munching on candy leftover from Christmas. She began expressing the need to maybe lose a few pounds and suggested that we take on a challenge to see who could go the longest without junk food. We both found ourselves laughing at the thought as we were currently shoveling red and green M&M's into our mouths. However, I found this to be a challenge that I was interested in and we agreed to start the next day.

It was surprisingly easy to stay away from candy and junk food. I had thought it would be more difficult for me than it was. I knew better than to think that it would be this easy the whole time. I was, after all, only on day one. I was in my room putting laundry away when I heard the front door open and saw Tori walk in eating junk food. She saw me as she was mid bite. We just looked at each other and started laughing our heads off.

"You didn't even make it one day?!"

"I know!! You win! I just couldn't resist."

We talked and laughed about it for a few minutes. The more I thought about it though, I decided to keep going. I just wanted to see how long I could actually do it.

I had successfully survived my first week of spring semester. I didn't really like how some of my classes had changed from first semester, but I was pushing through the stress. I had also managed to make it into the Ogden LDS Institute Choir and had been excited to start. Chris had convinced me to audition, as he was also in the choir. I figured it would give me a nice break from my other stressful music classes. I had also been doing really well with my "no junk food" challenge. However, I did find myself questioning whether certain foods were considered junk food or not. I didn't want to accidentally fail the challenge. I had expressed these concerns with Chris. I think he was just as interested to see how long I would last, so he found a way to help me.

January 18, 2004 

Chris decided to make rules for me so that I wouldn't feel like I was cheating all the time. He said I can't eat anything with more than five grams of fat and three grams of sugar. Except for fruits and vegetables. So I went through my cupboard and tried to get rid of everything that was against the rules. I basically can't eat anything.

I was surprised at how bad all the food I had been putting into my body was. I even got rid of some homemade jam my mother had given me. My roommates and Chris claimed everything I couldn't eat. It was almost liberating to get rid of some of the food. Like I was accomplishing something.

That weekend my mom came to visit me and to take me shopping. I was so happy to see her. I had been looking forward to her visit all week. Sometimes a girl just needs her mom. We had so much fun with each other. She took me shopping and we were both thrilled to find that the pant size that I usually fit into was now too big for me. She asked me what I had been doing and I explained the challenge that Tori and I had started. She laughed as I told her about Tori's inability to hold out for even 24 hours. I normally loathe shopping, but being able to try on smaller clothes had me so excited that I didn't want to stop. It was a rare experience for both of us.

That night I was putting all my new clothes away and smiled at how awesome it felt to be in a smaller pant size. It also felt amazing to receive praise on the fact that I had lost some weight. I had spent my whole life being criticized for my weight and now I was getting positive attention for losing weight. It had only been two weeks since starting the challenge and it was crazy how fast I was able to go down a size. It had been a good day.

I began getting ready for bed. When I went to the bathroom I looked at myself in the mirror hoping to see that I could tell I had lost weight. I became discouraged to find that I looked the same as my reflection had always shown me. I looked at myself for a long time in that mirror
when the thoughts began racing again. They just kept going and going. I let out a sigh, turned off the bathroom light, and went to bed.

This is where my story begins.